anon blogging at elowel.org  Write anonymous post
After years of avoiding a clinical diagnosis (I declined hearing a diagnosis for the first time 6 years to the month, to be precise) I finally had enough of the deleterious effects of my idiosyncrasies on my relationships and started looking for help to systematically compensate for whatever it is going on in my head.

It seems highly likely, according to my clinician and myself, that the specific diagnosis for me is "Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder".

It's probably not much of a surprise to anyone who's ever known me intimately, like the girl I broke up with in September after we'd been dating for a month. She said "you remind me of one of my friends, he has obsessive-compulsive disorder. Do you think you might be obsessive and compulsive?"

"Obsessive, sure, but only about the stuff I care about."

"What stuff do you care about?"

"Doing things correctly, making sure stuff is right. My health, a lot of stuff."

"Like doing what correctly? What's right? You don't go to the gym, what do you mean your health?"

"I don't want to talk about this, it's complicated." And then I stopped calling her and never saw her again.

She was pretty, I liked the way the space between her breasts smelled, the really subtle accent she had and the way she insisted I eat her cooking.
11-03-11 23:29
I would never hurt myself, and I have always been very certain about that. But I would very much not mind dying.
It's something I've thought about for over ten years now. I would say "struggled with" but it's not really a struggle at all.

I wish I could go into great detail about recent events. If I do, it sounds like this is all over some boy.

I guess I will say that I met a boy several years ago. We had lunch on a whim and I fell in love with him and have loved him since, through years of him not speaking to me, through his loving me in the same way, a relationship, fights, learning, and his insistance that he loves me as strongly as he did before but that even through the learning we can never be together.

But that he wouldn't be opposed to making out as long as there were no strings attached.


A little Drunk. 09-10-11 22:46
Lie to me.
Make me believe I'm all
you could ever want, all
you ever wanted, that
life was black & white before the concept of us.

LIE.
Use your body, subtly--
all I (or you) ever (could have) wanted
is right here, right now, so
take me home.

I won't lie.
All I am is here, but
I won't mention it
(oh oh god yes oh god please oh yes)
if you sell me, fatally, on your love tonight.
It's awesome 08-10-11 21:27
Going from the feeling of "is this person crazy? am I attracted to this person?" to crazilly craving immediate sex with them.
TMI 06-26-11 17:48
Been feeling a little down the last few days. I think there are a few facets to it, but it boils down to the fact that I’m in a weird transition phase of life.

This is the last summer month I will ever really have off. Next year, I will study for boards and (hopefully) start a job…that I will be at for an indefinite amount of time.

My two closest girlfriends don’t invite me to things anymore. Sure, when I call them up because I’m having a bad day or to see if they are free we can usually find time to see each other or talk…but the chances of them ever calling me are slim to none. They hang out often, but never call me. I really don’t blame them. Things just change and evolve. I suppose it is because of how chaotic my last year of school was. I was such a hermit, and I drifted a little to those closest to me. I just miss them a lot. I miss feeling close.

One of two girlfriends I made in pharmacy school has moved out west for good. The other is a busy bee, so seeing either of them is near impossible.

My closest guy friend, besides my husband, is really someone I have a rocky relationship with. He has treated me poorly in the past, and I still feel an edge around him that I can’t shake. I get angry and snap at him when he is completely innocent, just because of that. Not to mention, we are his only friends in town. That adds a whole new dimension to the mess.

To top it all off, right now, my husband and I are in a weird place. He told me he just feels stagnate. He said it’s not with me…but I can feel it. I thought my heart literally broke in two last night when I told him I felt that he didn’t love me as much as when we first met and he said nothing. Later he insisted that that wasn’t true…and I pray that it’s not. I know we’ll get through this hurdle, but it’s just not us right now.

Thank goodness for my family. I don’t see them as much as I’d like, but I see them a lot. My baby nephew is the most perfect little light in my life. My mom is my rock. My dad always makes me happy and is proud of me. My sister is my role model. I love my family so much.

A week from tomorrow I start a new phase of school. Maybe it will be good to keep my mind off things again, although I’ll miss my time off.

I just don’t know what life has in store for me. I’m ready for new friends, closer relationships with the ones I have, renewed passion with my husband, and a job that makes me feel like I’m doing something for someone.
bhangin' white russian 06-03-11 14:26
Folks, please allow me to introduce to you an enlightening mix drink recipe, The Bhangin' White Russian:

1oz Kahlua
1oz bhang, prepared as per tradition
2oz vodka

You are welcome!
So I was having a nice lucid dream-- nothing really spectacular, but fun enough. It wasn't *quite* a lucid dream, in that I didn't realize I was dreaming, but I felt awake and in control.

At one point I need to pee, so I head down to the bathroom and sit on the toilet. It's taking forever-- why can't I pee? So I think and think about how nice peeing is and how nice it would be to pee right now. Finally, a trickle!

There's still something holding me back though, so I encourage myself some more.

"Go on! Pee more! Peeing is great!"

Ah, there we go: full steam ahead!

5-6 seconds pass.

HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK I'M IN BED SHIT SHIT SHIT

I lost an hour of sleep. I haven't had a mattress protector in years, but I had started putting down a garbage sack because I've become an extremely sweaty sleeper. I'd been drenching my sheets and figured that wasn't good for the mattress, so I stuck a garbage sack and a few towels down to protect it. I still had some urine to clean up on the mattress itself, but nothing too major.

Anybody have a good mattress protector recommendation? Who knows if I'll do this again some night. :-(
Stir fry again?
Sorry you're sick 04-10-11 22:00
02-18-11 11:11
I feel like I'm losing you again and I'm not ready for it.
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